


Cherry Blossom Tears

by BehindtheLense



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Showki, monstax
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 01:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15232050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BehindtheLense/pseuds/BehindtheLense
Summary: Kihyun had something to tell him, but somehow it never came out...





	Cherry Blossom Tears

**_“It is not what you are that holds you back, it is what you think you are not.”_ **

**_*~*_ **

**_“Why are you talking about Shownu again?”_ **

**_*~*_**

* * *

 

 

 _It had been early Spring when it happened… the Cherry blossoms had been in full bloom, and the day was just a little brighter than it had been… The cherry blossom petals were doing some kind of - slow dance with the wind, landed in his hair and brushed the shoulders of his coat. I wasn’t really sure then if what I was feeling was…_ **_real._ ** _I mean he was always the brightest star really, no question about it, and I just regret not being able to speak to him honestly about how I felt…_

 

_Before I knew it was too late._

 

“Why are you talking about Shownu again?”

 

_They would often ask me, and I’d reply the same way every time;_

 

“I dunno. Just making conversation?”

 

_Then they’d roll their eyes and sigh sympathetically, pat me on the shoulder and say;_

“He’s in a better place now.”

 

_Or;_

“He was suffering, He did right taking him away from all of that.”

 

_And each time I would hear those words… My tears would fall again, and I’d be right back where I started, hating myself as before and wondering what would have happened had things been different._

 

 _If I had told him the truth, could I have somehow,_ **_prolonged_ ** _his time here? I would often face regret, hating myself for breathing the air he should have been, losing myself in the most_ ** _mundane_ ** _things and leaving him further and further behind me as I did, reducing him to nothing more than an insignificant memory._

 

 _Then I’d hate myself for knowing. I’d beg and plead my memories to return him to me, to beg for forgiveness from whatever great being was above me, and I’d sit and just…_ **_remember_ ** _how he felt that day._

_When I promised I’d go to him, and then, made some petty excuse like I had a work meeting or - the workload was getting higher and higher and so was my stress._

 

 _Maybe it was because I didn’t want to see him like that. See him, so_ **_weak_ ** _so_ **_fragile_ **

 

_The days I would drag myself out of bed to see him, he would sigh and ask me what I was so afraid of. Why I couldn’t share the truth with him at least. That he thought I trusted him, that he thought I could accept the fate that was hastily approaching, and I couldn’t stop it. Though I’m sure, deep in my heart, I wanted to…_

 

_To make time stop._

 

_Just for one more moment…_

 

_Just one._

 

_Me and Him_

 

_Kihyun and Shownu…_

 

_For that one moment, I needed to give me the push I so desperately wanted._

 

 _To tell him…_ **_what?_ **

 

 _To tell him I_ **_loved_ ** _him?_

 

 _That I didn’t want to_ **_lose_ ** _him?_

 

_Could that really change anything?_

 

_Then I’d recall it. That last precious moment where I was sitting next to him, on one of the days I had pushed myself to see him. Promising myself that this would be the last time. As I sat next to him, loosely holding his hand in mine, as I watched him struggling to even draw breath._

 

_He looked at me with curiosity, asked me the same question that caught me off guard but shouldn’t have._

 

“Kihyun - ah, what are you so afraid of?”

 

‘Losing you. Being alone. Not knowing how to save you. Knowing I’ve **failed** you Shownu _.’ Those were the words I desperately wanted to say, but instead, I had shrugged, had looked away._

 

_Replied;_

 

“I’m afraid of myself.” _Had mumbled, sure he couldn’t have heard my words in his weakened state._

 

 _Only,_ **_he had._ **

 

_Heard every word, and as I tried to avoid his gaze, had purposely sat up with great difficulty, to catch my chin and turn it up to face him._

 

_I wanted to look away, but his eyes…_

 

_Those eyes stopped me._

 

“Why should you be afraid of yourself? What have you done?”

 

_I almost cursed at him for being so good at reading faces. Almost cursed at the way my heart fluttered, at the way my tears began to build, and I faced the reality that I would have to say goodbye soon, whether I wanted to or not, and still, my weak self, couldn’t even say those three simple words._

 

**_I love you._ **

 

_Instead, I scoffed, pulled away from him and spoke up._

 

“I’ve never been anything great. I never face the reality, I try to avoid it, and now you’re here and I can’t even bear to look at you!”

 

 _I never intended to hurt him, I had always tried to push him away little by little, even if this hadn’t been his reality, I would_ **_never be good enough_ ** _for him. I hated my denial._

 

_Shownu had sighed then, before giving me the smile I loved so much. The radiance was still there, even now, even when he was like this. Even as I came to terms with the fact, that at any moment, I would lose him. Forever._

_And still, I said nothing about my heart._

 

_But what he said, changed everything…_

 

“It’s not what you are that holds you back, it’s what you think you are not.”

 

_His words said so much truth, I didn’t know how or why. Had he known all along?_

_Everything I had perfected in hiding, he had always known?_

 

_I stood then, wanting nothing more than to escape the room, wanted nothing more than to forget._

 

_But he kept talking._

 

“You always make yourself out to be the bad guy, always think you’re not good enough. But what if you _are_ Kihyun - ah? What if the biggest obstacle in life is yourself? You hide the truth, because of the lies you tell about yourself. What if someone out there thinks you’re perfect? What if someone out there, knows your true feelings, and knows you’re just too stubborn to admit it?”

 

_I had stared at him open-mouthed, this was the most I’d heard him speak since his condition deteriorated, and then, right then would have been the perfect moment to say;_

“Yes, Shownu, you’re right. All this time I’ve tried, but I can’t do it. I can’t accept myself, and I don’t know if I even can.”

 

_But I never did._

 

_Shownu had sunk back into his pillows, breathing harshly, sweat-dampened hair hanging over his forehead. He had worn himself out, just so he could make me see._

 

_And I had refused to listen._

 

_The reality was too terrifying to me._

 

_I was selfish._

 

_And because of it, I lost someone precious,_

 

_Because of my own stubbornness, I never got to hold him tightly._

 

_After Shownu had spoken those words, I had stood and bid goodbye._

 

_...I didn’t know it would be the last time._

 

_He left forever, two hours after I’d left._

 

 _He was gone, and he was_ **_never_ ** _coming back._

 

_I couldn't share what was inside my heart, and it was Shownu's weak heart that killed him..._

* * *

 

**_~*~_ **

_And now I’m here again like time has spun full circle._

 

_It’s Spring again, and just like before, the cherry blossoms are dancing and floating down, but not resting on his coat, or getting tangled in his hair, but settling in their own beautiful pattern on his gravestone._

 

_And even though from the moment he left, I’ve cried enough tears to create an ocean, I never said those words, until today, and I hope that wherever you’re shining now, you’ll hear them…_

 

_Because I’m not afraid anymore._

 

“Shownu… No, Son Hyunwoo. **I love you**. I’m sorry, I hope that someday we’ll meet again, and it won’t be just words. Goodbye.”

 

_And as I rest my hand on the headstone, the cherry blossom petals swirl and I can almost hear his voice on the wind, whisper;_

 

**“It’s about time Kihyun, I love you too. Goodbye.”**

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for such a sad short story ><  
> This was actually my entry for MonWriters on Amino. Please forgive TT_TT


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